“The Butler Did It?”

By RICHIE D MOWREY for The Sassy Gazette
(The Gossip You Didn’t Know You Needed)

“The Butler Did It?”

Donald J. Trump’s Alleged Assassination Attempt Smells Like an Inside Job, a Sympathy Grab, or Both

Butler, Pennsylvania – Where the hoagies are dry, the MAGA hats are fresher than the facts, and Donald J. Trump just survived what his team is calling an “assassination attempt.” Oh please.

According to sources more desperate than a Real Housewife at a Bravo reunion, the former president was “grazed” by a bullet during a campaign rally. Eyewitnesses say there was “panic,” “chaos,” and “heroic responses.”

But this reporter? This reporter smelled performance sweat, old hairspray, and the distinct stench of political theater from the first pop.

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Let’s Be Real

When it comes to drama, no one commits harder than Donald J. Trump. The man once fake-tanned his way into the White House and declared Diet Coke a health drink. So is it really shocking that his team might stage a low-risk, high-sympathy “incident” weeks before an election he’s statistically losing harder than his casinos?

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Let’s Dissect the Drama:

1. The Convenient “Graze”

We’re supposed to believe the bullet just missed anything vital? A little blood, a dramatic stumble, and boom—he’s a martyr now? That graze looked faker than Melania’s smile at Christmas.

If this were a true assassination attempt, Secret Service would’ve thrown him into a van like a rag doll. Instead? He stood up and saluted like a B-movie villain in a WWE crossover.

2. The Crowd Cameras “Just So Happened” to Capture It

The shaky footage. The perfectly-timed zoom. The patriotic sobs from a planted audience member who screamed, “Not my president!”—the whole thing had more choreography than a Super Bowl halftime show.

Is this a campaign rally or America’s Got Tragedy?

3. The Narrative Shift

Within hours, the MAGA machine was cranking out merch like it was Black Friday:

• “Survivor in Chief”
• “Trump Took a Bullet for YOU”
• A gold coin with his face and a Band-Aid on it

A full press kit. Ready to roll. Almost like... they knew it was coming?

4. The Phantom Shooter

The alleged “shooter”? A 19-year-old “lone wolf” who was neutralized instantly. No manifesto. No online trail. Just poof—gone. A disposable scapegoat to seal the scene.

If this were a Netflix show, I’d call it lazy writing.

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Here’s the Real Theory:

This wasn’t an assassination attempt. It was a MAGA stage play, designed to reignite loyalty from a base that’s increasingly yawning through his recycled promises.

Sympathy is Trump’s last card—and boy, is he playing it harder than his unpaid lawyers play the victim.

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The King of Chaos

Trump thrives on spectacle. His rallies are more fire and fury than facts. So what better way to inject momentum into a dying campaign than by becoming the headline?

This Butler bullet wasn’t aimed at his body—it was aimed at America’s last remaining brain cells.

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Bottom Line?

This wasn’t an assassination attempt. It was a rebranding.

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Stay tuned, stay sassy, and stay skeptical.
– RICHIE D MOWREY
for The Sassy Gazette
(The Gossip You Didn’t Know You Needed)